The Onion Dance

You know how you go into a fast-food restaurant, order and walk away with your custom-made food in about a minute? It wasn’t always like that. Case in point: in the late 1960s, when I was a kid, we would go to McDonald’s on rare occasions as a very special treat. You might remember, back then, burgers were made, wrapped and slipped down a slot – all day, all night, non-stop. The cashier would grab the first burger in line and give it to the customer – but not when it was a “custom order.”

I have never been able to digest onions; it’s something like an allergy. So, when my mom would order my cheeseburger, she had to ask for it without onions. That seems really simple doesn’t it? It’s easy now; but when my mother uttered those words, “No onions on the cheeseburger,” you could almost hear the food-production line come to a screeching halt.

She paid, and we were directed to stand at the side of the counter. We would wait, and wait, for what must have been five minutes for them to go slaughter a cow, butcher it, grind up some part of it, form it into a patty and then grill it without onions.

My mother stood in the corner, fuming. She wasn’t angry at the delay; she was angry at me for being the only person in the family with food allergies. Gee, sorry mom!

For a long time into adulthood, I resisted going to a fast-food restaurant knowing I would have to do the onion dance. I preferred places like Kentucky Fried Chicken (no onions) Taco Bell (lots of their menu items don’t have onions). Now, however, it seems like a new law has been passed that says every food item has to be made with onions. So, I ask every food-server, every time, if a certain something does or not have onions. It’s very annoying, but I have to do it or risk getting sick.

Just imagine how fun it is when I order it without onions, and it comes with onions, and I ask to have it made over. The production line comes to a screeching halt again while the cook goes out to find a fresh cow.